The Science behind Senior Slackitude

A clinical disquisition on a sinister epidemic

Richard Yan, Editor

You walk into a classroom on test day.  It’s the second semester.  Students are slouched over, half awake. They haven’t done their homework all unit long. Even among the students that aren’t predictably absent, you sense a general air of apathy.

The cause? The infamous disease named after its microbial perpetrator, Senioritis. The Senioritii are a diverse family of bacteria united by the common characteristic of targeting high school students, with individual species including Senioritis procrastinitis, Senioritis narcolepsis, Senioritis absentitis, and Senioritis apatheticis as some of the more commonly identified strains. Symptoms include drowsiness in class, plummeting grades, disregard for the rules, and a general increase in apathy.

Nationwide epidemics begin annually around winter break, but cases are reported year-round. Exposure to one strain increases susceptibility to the others, and as the reputable medical journal known only as The Urban Dictionary aptly puts it, “the only cure is graduation.”

Although any adult would be horrified at the debilitating unproductivity afflicted by the latest bane of humanity, they would be even more shocked to learn that many students embrace the disease. Simply put, it’s an effective excuse to justify laziness and relaxation in a tense and competitive school environment, just like how you can skip school simply by claiming to be sick at home. Ironically enough, the latter is actually a symptom of the former. Woah.

Other students are more resilient to infection. Interestingly enough, the key to staying senioritis-free seems to be “plenty of motivation, rather than a strong immune system or vaccinations”, as observed by surveyors in a recent high school study. An unnamed data analyst confirmed the finding, saying, “We’ve been seeing a strong negative correlation between sleep-deprived, hard-working students and the frequency of cases [of senioritis].”

NATV

There is more good news. Although graduation remains the only proven cure, breaking-edge research has produced several treatment plans over the past couple of years to alleviate symptoms and increase the chances of survival. Depending on the severity of the case and situational availability, researchers have developed three major categories of treatment.

The most extreme form of treatment is classified as “Aggressive Therapy,” or “AT,” which is typically used in severe, life-threatening cases of senioritis. Treatments include adverse conditioning, talking with a therapist, medication, and in the most stubborn cases, lobotomy. While rather effective, patients and critics often argue that the cure is worse than the disease.

More commonly, doctors will recommend “Balanced Therapy”, or “BT,” which recognizes the need to maintain comfort while also effectively alleviating the crippling decrease of productivity. The BT approach often includes frequent motivation, incentives for good performance, and yoga or other stress-relieving activities. Many researchers urge patients to find a new hobby or pursue something they’ve been interested in but never had enough time for.

In rare cases, the illness is simply too strong and the patient too weak. Regardless of treatment, symptoms persist, and the only solution is palliative care, or “PC,” which seeks to increase and preserve quality of life, disregarding other important factors. Generally, these patients are bedridden for much of the school year and prescribed multiple excuse notes weekly. Although the ethics of such an approach are dubious, it’s occasionally the only option, and a necessary one.

From the horrific descriptions of senioritis you’ve just read, it’s no surprise that this is a serious problem. However, scientists have had significant trouble convincing anyone outside the high school bubble of this obvious fact. Many politicians, intellectually resistant to science, continue to assert the old news that senioritis is nothing more than mental laziness, and so the increasingly complex and expensive treatments for the disease are struggling for approval under the US healthcare umbrella.

But remember, while we cannot account for our overseers, we can take steps to stay motivated and keep our own defenses strong in the middle of senioritis season. Have faith, senior comrades, the cure is only six months away.

 

Li, Zuoyang Ph.D. Kim, Donghwee Pharm.D. et al. “Teenage Latency: Causes and Treatment” Tuberosum Fellowship, 2017.