Now that fall is here and the stress of Homecoming is gone, we have entered that awkward time of year known as “Pumpkin Spice Latte Season” – the period of horror between the beginning of October to Thanksgiving. From last-minute costumes advice to Halloween candy to navigating the spiced-up Soccer Moms, Protips will guide your way through this fall.

Tip One: Don’t go to Starbucks between the hours of 5-8 AM, or 3-6 PM
Seriously. Don’t do it. The second Starbucks releases its pumpkin spice drinks, it becomes a stereotypical haven for teenage girls and “hipster” moms. If you want coffee, don’t go during those hours or head to your local Crazy Mocha or Dunkin’. You’ll thank me when you get to skip the lines.

Tip Two: If you’re going to do the “classic pumpkin patch” photo for insta, do it after school.
The weekends are packed with people with the same idea: to get the classic Autumn photo to complete your Instagram aesthetic. The pics are always cute, but if you want the best pictures possible, immediately after school is the best time. You’ll have the best lighting and no crowd – everyone waits until the weekend anyway.

Tip Three: Amazon has your costume needs covered.
Need a quick Halloween costume? Skip Spirit. Amazon Prime will deliver a costume in two days for a much lower price point. Take for example the classic Harry Potter Costume. Just the robe at Spirit is almost fifty bucks, but you can get the robe, scarf, tie, wand, and glasses on Amazon for just $35.67. Plus you don’t have to go through the awkwardness of trying on costumes. If all else fails, google last-minute costume ideas, or glue some Smarties on your jeans and call yourself a “Smartie Pants.”

Tip Four: Don’t skip trick or treat (but do go to Walmart).
You’re never too old for candy, so you’re never too old to trick-or-treat. Put on a few costumes and hit up a few houses. Even if adults give you the stink eye, they’ll still give you treats and most will find it funny. Or, forget working for every piece of candy and remember you can get a 40-ounce bag of “Variety Chocolate Bars” at Walmart for nine bucks. No hypothermia, no costumes, and no hard work: the “Gen Z” trick-or-treat.

Tip Five: Carving Pumpkins is fun (and delicious)
If you’re going to do fall right, you’re going to need a pumpkin. Get a couple friends together and hit up either Sorgel’s or a local church that sells pumpkins. Then acquire a few friends and make a game out of carving the best jack o’lantern possible. The best part? The pumpkin seeds can be left out to dry and, with a little salt and some time in the oven, you can have a tasty fall snack.

Tip Six: Attractions are meant to be attracting.
Whether you’re scared of everything or would challenge Edward Scissorhands to a game of patty-cake, there is a haunted house (or some attraction) worth visiting. Pick up a couple friends and check out Fright Night, Autumn Fest, and the local haunted houses for a fun, spooky night.

Tip Seven: A Pumpkin Spice Latte is a meme, not a food.
They’re delicious. I can admit it. But if you’re going to get one, just be prepared to be made fun of – even if it is delicious.

And finally, Tip Eight: Spooky Season is not lazy season.

We get it. Winter is coming, college apps are mounting, and the nine weeks is ending. The last thing you want to do is go outside. But Autumn only comes once and, if you take your head out of a textbook for a while, you might actually have some fun. So go jump around in some leaves, wear a goofy costume, and carve up a pumpkin because this season of spooks does not last long. And failing anything else give in to the season and pick up a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks. We’re not going to tell you it’s worth it. But it totally is. 

Sincerely,

A Spooky Uproar