Let’s be real. There are two types of people in this world: those who lie to themselves and say they can make a New Year’s resolution last, and those who don’t even bother to make one to begin with. (I myself fall into the latter category solely because my “resolution” for this year is to soak up second-semester senioritis like a porous sponge and actually try my hardest not to try at all.)

But, actually, if we really want to get into types of people and their flimsy self-promises, the categories of best fit can be expanded quite a bit.

One type that many may be familiar with is “the Compromiser”. Someone who sets themselves with goals so out of reach that they are constantly forced to take it down a notch. Or maybe two notches. Or eight. After all, the word “Resolution” is literally “Re-solution”. The thought process usually goes something like:

I’m not going to eat chocolate for a whole year…okay, well maybe just on special occasions, and even then just a Hershey’s kiss. *cut to January 9th* You know what? Every day is a special occasion! And especially today– it’s Wednesday, my dudes! Time to eat that eight-pack of King Size Kit-Kats.

Then there’s that one girl named Susan, or Sally– something along those lines– who wants to be…get this, a better person. She fancy’s herself a saint for the New Year and decides to try generosity and humility on for size. She’ll smile at people who pass by, open doors for them (if they don’t take too long) and help some old women cross the road … which is all fine and dandy, until you look beyond the surface, because St. Susan Sally wants the world to know she is the most humble person alive.

Susan Sally: What is your New Year’s resolution?

Friend: I don’t know. I think maybe I’ll start doing my homework. Maybe.

Susan Sally: Oh, that’s nice. I’m going to the nursing home twice a week now, instead of once a week, and–

Friend: Why are you talking so loud?

Susan Sally: –I plan on attending the nature club meetings even though it’s too late to sign up. I just want to learn about the environment and do my part.

Friend: Wow, that’s, uh, really thoughtful of you…

Susan Sally: I will also kiss babies. From now on.

Friend: Um.

Susan Sally: *whips out a megaphone and stands on the table in the middle of the mall’s food court* IF ANY OF YOU LADIES HAVE BABIES I WILL KISS THEM FOR YOU! BECAUSE I AM A WONDERFUL PERSON!

Then there are “the Swindlers”. They come up with a fantastic resolution that may be completely flawless if it were any different from things they already do. Or maybe their resolution is fixing something about themselves that could be fixed in any other month of the year as well. And they do it for all the wrong reasons.

I’m going to stop “accidentally” slamming my car door into the one parked next to me. I think my boss is starting to get suspicious about those scratches on the side of his Mercedes. I’m not jealous, I swear.

I’m going to stop smoking in between lectures on the dangers of cigarettes and vapes.

I think I’ll stop putting my clean laundry under my sister’s bed. I only do it so I can accuse her of stealing my clothes and then my mom will make her put them away for me. I still hate folding laundry, but I need to shift my attention towards tricking my brother into doing the dishes for me.

As I mentioned earlier, there are some people who just don’t make any effort whatsoever. It’s not even because they think they are perfect already– they just are openly aware of their own laziness and completely fine with it. In fact, that seems to be the healthiest approach out of all of these: just don’t change anything. Accept who you are. Self-love is everything, folks.

Or, I guess, if you really feel the need to make a resolution: be spontaneous! Don’t wait for January 1st, 2020 to make a change. Be original. And speaking of which, for the love of God, no more “New Year New Me,” please. How about New Year New Saying?