Here at the end of the semester, The Uproar has decided to reflect on some stories around the school that somehow didn’t quite make the front page previously.  Caution:  These stories have not yet been corroborated by reliable sources, but we’re working on it!

Students Return From Winter Break With Renewed Hatred For School

January 2nd, NASH students came back from over a week away from school for their annual winter break. Spending quality time with family and away from classes, students took advantage of their opportunity to refresh themselves for the new year — which will be the last at North Allegheny for many. The first school day of the new year shocked the system of most students, who were reminded how much better their lives were without it.

Junior to Sue Parent for Disappointing Christmas Gifts

A North Allegheny junior, who has been advised by their legal team to remain anonymous, is reportedly set to take their parents to court over the gifts they received for Christmas (or lack thereof). The student explained, “If it hadn’t been for Santa, I’d barely have gotten anything for Christmas!” It is unknown whether this defense will hold up in a court of law.

Mixed Reactions to Physics Test Among Student Body

A recent physics test is creating buzz around the school as students are divided on their grades. Students averaged a 75% (C) on the test. Seniors are apparently quite pleased with the score, as one such senior explained that “it’s good enough as long as I passed. I got most of them right.” Juniors, however, are mostly displeased with the same scores.

Student Stuck to Lamp Post for Third Consecutive Day

As a result of a devastating “double-dog dare,” a NASH junior (who wishes to remain anonymous) is going on their third day in a row stuck to a light post in the parking lot. The student stuck their tongue to the pole on the dare and has been unable to remove it since.

National Honor Society Discharges Student for Using Wikipedia as Source

The highly prestigious National Honor Society (NHS) has made headlines recently as they discharged a member of the group for an “academic infraction.” The infraction in question was the usage of Wikipedia as a source for a research assignment. Many teachers have voiced concerns over the use of Wikipedia as a academic resource, claiming the site is “for happy fun-time purposes,” “can be edited by anyone at any time,” and “is involved in Satanic rituals.” Students have disputed the truth of some of these claims.

Student Under Fire for Enjoying School Lunches

Recently, a NASH student has been the recipient of harsh criticism as a result of their alleged enjoyment of cafeteria lunches. Cafeteria food is notoriously unpopular among the student body and has been for years. The student remains steadfast in their opinion but is finding few allies in their struggle.

14 Juniors Lost After Being Told to Meet in “The Place”

Yesterday, 14 juniors were reported missing after their teacher left a note on the classroom door to meet in The Place. The juniors, who were unaware of what The Place was, were left confused and wandered the halls as a result. Only one of 15 juniors in the class managed to find the correct location, with the rest being lost to the hallways of NASH. If you know one of the missing juniors, please retrieve them from the Lost-And-Found.

Student ‘Surprised’ to Learn that Social Studies isn’t About Twitter

A NASH student has taken to social media to voice their outrage over the “mislabeling” of classes. The student explained that they were “surprised” upon being informed that their social studies class was not focused on social media sites. The student claimed to be “very upset” that they were not learning “useful” skills, such as how to gain Twitter followers, instead of learning about the “boring” administration of Harry S. Truman.

Student Returns from 2-Week Absence, Cites “Senioritis” as Illness

A NASH student returned from a long absence with an excuse that has been the subject of some concern. The student, whose whereabouts were unknown for the duration of their time away from school, came back to school with an absence excuse citing “senioritis” as the illness responsible for their time off. This note, allegedly signed by a legitimate doctor, has caused an uproar among NASH staff. Many staff members believe that “senioritis” is not a legitimate illness, while others are perplexed by the fact that the student who turned in the note was a junior.

New Study Provides List of Top 10 Things That Outnumber Windows at NASH (#8 Will Shock You)

Students have long complained about the lack of windows in the NASH building, sometimes even likening the structure to a prison. As a result, researchers recently set out to collect data on the presence of windows at NASH compared to other fixtures of the building. The result of the study was the following list of ten things that are more prominent at NASH than natural light:

1. Athletic Awards

2. School-Sponsored Clubs/Organizations

3. Unexcused Absences of an Average Senior

4. Faculty Members Without Hair

5. Security Cameras

5. Participation Points

7. Expensive Smartboards

8. Shades & Blinds

9. Incorrectly Discarded Recyclables

10. Missing Hall Passes