Dear Uproar, I’m starting to feel some symptoms of senioritis. What can I do to motivate myself and not catch the disease? -Señor Siesta

Sheesh, dude! From the looks of your question, it appears that you haven’t heard of the poppin’ new beverage that’s got the whole school wide awake: HyperZoom! It’s super easy to make, and it’s guaranteed to keep you focused and prepared!

Ingredients:

1 cup black coffee

2 L Mtn. Dew

1 bottle of 5 Hour Energy

1 can of Red Bull

4 Duracell D Batteries

5 blueberries

1 pint of petroleum

1 oxygen tank

Directions:
1. Put all ingredients into a blender (except the oxygen tank), and mix on high until ingredients are completely blended. Pour the drink into a water bottle so that you can recharge throughout the day.

2. Make sure you’re properly hooked up to your oxygen tank. DO NOT consume HyperZoom without the assistance of your oxygen tank. Doing so may result in an unnecessary visit to the hospital, which would mean more time away from school, which means more make up work you would have to do.

3. Drink no more than 1 mL of the beverage at a time, and drink in 3 hour increments. Any more and you’ll experience harmful side effects. These side effects include: hallucinations, vomiting, hyperventilating, heavy perspiration, mood swings, appendicitis, vivid nightmares, Mega Anxiety, spontaneous musical numbers, shapeshifting, really loud burps, an unnaturally accurate impression of R2-D2, polio, prophecy, and the sniffles. If you experience any of these side effects, don’t bother calling a doctor; your soul’s fate has already been determined.

So what are you waiting for? Why let yourself get bogged down when you could rise to the top? Try HyperZoom today, and you’ll be saying ̴̯̇̒r̴̳̒ÿ̸̝̯́̈́d̷̮̾̂ỵ̶̦̋͐m̸̱͌̓ ̴̱̰̆y̶̯͗n̶̺̺͝ ̷̹̀̉b̷̟̍̓ǫ̴͋̌d̶̨͙̃̒o̴̜̖̾͐l̸̼̾̉i̷͔̓̆ ̷̤̋a̵̺͂r̶͇̀͌ͅ ̷̡̫́̈́ò̵͈̏l̶̺̋ẅ̸͉͂ÿ̸͚͉n̷̛͉ ̷͇̙̔b̴͕͍̀͝y̵̖̭̎t̷͓̗̍ḥ̴͙͒ ̶̳̊͒y̸̖͓͌̕n̸̠̒̿ ̶̪͈̆g̴̗̖̿͗ó̷̦͑r̷̹̊̀ẁ̵̹͒e̷̞̯͌́d̸͖͇̑d̷̞͛͆ ̵͈͗̆͜ǫ̵̚ ̸̖͑̅g̸̡̃͐o̵̟̤̊̀r̵͎͍͆̎ẁ̵̥̍e̴̳̱̎͗d̸̜̈́͛d̷̞́̕ in no time!