“I really like this girl, but I don’t have a clue as to how I should ask her to Homecoming! What should I do?”

~ DesperateDate

I totally understand. Homecoming can be crazy, and it’s most stressful for the guys, since they have the full responsibility of acquiring a date with a clever ask. Imagine how much easier it would be to find a dress, plan dinner, arrange pictures, get your hair done, and put on makeup!

But fear not. I have just the solution for you. Follow each step precisely. If not, consequences will follow.

1. Grab some blank poster paper and make your sign. The paper has to be big so your target can read it from far away. The message has to be catchy and unforgettable, also bright and flashy. If you’re out of ideas, use one of these time-tested hooks: “Go to the dance with me or else!” and “I know your family, so choose wisely.”
2. Flowers are lame — you must get a gift that is impressive. A collection of candid photos of her that you’ve taken over the past month will make her feel like you’ve been paying attention!
3. Arrive at her home between the times of 2 AM and 3 AM. This is prime time, gentlemen.
4. Dress yourself in dark colors. Neon or brighter shades of clothing will most likely scare her away.
5. Know the layout of her home. This is extremely important for the next step.
6. Collect a bucket full of good, hefty rocks to throw at her window. Small pebbles won’t cut it — you need to grab her attention, and shattering her bedroom window will do the trick. Again, be sure that it’s her window, not her older brother’s.
7. Once you have her attention, hold up your sign in front of your face to conceal your identity. Women love mysteries, after all.
8. Beckon for her to come down. Be prepared to hand her your lovely, personal gift. If she doesn’t come to meet you, stand exactly where you are, facing her window and don’t go away until she does.
9. Once you have her where you want her, demand in your deepest, manliest voice that she go to Homecoming with you. Women love confidence, and hearing a masculine voice will increase her attraction to you.
10. Finally, back away slowly into your surroundings while maintaining eye contact. Escape before she can give you an answer, leaving a sense of eagerness and intrigue.

Oh, and I almost forgot step 11:  If the police are called, just run. You’re clearly too good for the person you are asking.

Best of luck to you and happy Homecoming season!