“As a 41 year old, Halloween is the only time where I can stock up on obnoxious amounts of candy and not be publicly shamed. Any tips for increasing my revenue this year?” ~Never2Old

For centuries, Halloween has been a holiday for the kids. All they get to do is wear a costume on their parents’ dime and get candy for free, while the adults have to answer their door over a hundred times and give out candy. Halloween scams parents of their money, time, and sweet treats at home. You’ve long been in the right — let’s make Halloween for the adults. 

Before the candy section gets raided, go to your local grocery store and buy multiple carts worth of the jumbo bags of candy. When you’re checking out, people will think you are hosting a Halloween party and need all the candy. I promise you will not look rude and petty. 

But staying inside on Halloween night and wallowing in your piles of candy is lame. Now it’s time to get outside and stage an ambush. Before any of the trick-or-treaters go outside, pick a tree or dense bush to hide in. Be sure to wear all dark colors or camo print to blend in. Wait at least 30 minutes after the children start trick-or-treating to ensure they have enough candy available to snatch. When a group of kids walks by, jump out and give them the fright of their lifetime. In your scariest voice, demand they give you their candy. You’re an adult, you’re justified to scare children into giving you what you want! 

One last tip: find the location of the houses that give out the king-size bars. Every neighborhood has one, and finding where they are will be key to your greatest achievement. Either plan your ambush near these homes, or go all out and steal the kids’ candy. Go straight up Black Friday deal on these kids and push them out of the way. Their feelings and security don’t matter when your sugar cravings are on the line. 

Hope this advice helps! Happy Halloween 🙂