As of writing this right now, I’ve applied to exactly one college. I did not apply because I found the college particularly interesting; I applied because some of my friends are. I had never even heard of it before they talked about it. Although, after looking into the college a little, I do think that I would enjoy going there. But it may just be forcing myself to find a reason to like it. 

I know I’m behind on the whole application process; I just can’t bring myself to do more. It just seems like a wasted effort sometimes. Some people have told me that it’s okay to not know what I’m doing, but the whole culture around “higher education” seems to say otherwise. 

There aren’t a lot of respected, living wage jobs out there anymore that don’t require a college degree, so you can see the reasoning that so many people push for kids to go to college. I have found issues with this for years because I struggle to see the point in having adolescents make a decision that affects the rest of their lives when they’re so young. I know that you can always change your mind and that a lot of college students switch majors, sometimes more than once. 

I applaud people who have the courage to change their life trajectory in their 30s, 40s, or even 50s, but college is a decision that, regardless of the outcome, results in tens of thousands of dollars of debt that can take decades to pay off. Additionally, changing your mind in the middle of your education can result in having to take more courses and ultimately spend more time and money there. You can see why I think it is important to have some general idea about what I want before making such a big decision. The problem comes when I don’t know. 

There are hundreds of colleges out there, but I can maybe name ten. This may have to do with the fact that I am the oldest child in my family. I have cousins that are in college and have dropped out of college, but we don’t have a particularly close relationship with our extended family, so I wasn’t going to get advice or recommendations from any of them.

I have visited two colleges, neither of which I am applying to, and I only discovered what I didn’t like. It should really make me consider how privileged I am, but the only thing it really made me think is that I will absolutely not go to a college that has worse, outdated technology than my high school. 

How am I supposed to find the perfect college for me if I don’t know that it even exists? 

I’ve decided to study biology. It’s not just because I find it interesting, but because I decided that I don’t really like anything else. For example, I took AP Chemistry last year because I enjoyed it in 10th grade and I thought that would be a good career choice. Then, I found out that I barely understand a decent few of the concepts and I feel like a fraud even thinking about pursuing it. I am truly interested in biology. The only problem is that my interests are very widespread and I am currently considering careers in marine biology, wildlife conservation, genetics, or paleontology. 

The other important thing about these jobs is that most of them provide a relative amount of freedom from the stereotypical workspace. There are several things, some that I can’t mention here, I would much rather do than ever work a desk job or other menial, repetitive tasks. I’ve spent almost a full twelve years doing that already, and my mental and emotional state is wrecked enough that I know I’m not intentionally doing this ever again. 

I do have interests in other subjects, but neither of them are quite as academic (music and writing) and it’s a better economic decision to just do those as hobbies, daydreaming of that being my actual career. But that will never happen because at that point I’ll be too busy with my real job to have time and energy to put into my hobbies for them to be any good. 

Because of these conflicting interests, I’ve been told “You have so many choices and possibilities. You’ll do a great job at whatever you choose!” While the sentiment is nice, it’s not helpful. I need someone to tell me what they think and not just vaguely list things that I have the general capacity to do while they completely misinterpret the kind of life I want. 

So I leave it to biology to fulfill all my hopes and dreams when I don’t even know what those are yet. 

My problem at this stage is that if I look up “good colleges for biology major,” the Google search just lists the top schools in the country. There’s probably, no definitely, some really interesting college out there that focuses specifically on what I want, but I’m not going to find it because Google keeps telling me that the best schools for biology are Yale, MIT, and Harvard. 

It is incredibly hard to find colleges in other states due to all the other reasons listed above. I can find random small colleges in Pennsylvania because they won’t stop sending me letters in the mail, but I don’t get those from colleges in other states. I know that it would be far easier to find something around here, especially because there are so many options, but living in this state for any longer is also going to make me consider those aforementioned options that I’m not allowed to talk about. 

I currently have a list of colleges on Naviance that I mostly feel indifferent to. Two are on there because they were listed as top colleges in those areas. Three are just places, or near places, that my friends are going. One that I found at a college fair that seemed really interesting at first and very relevant to my intended major, but the more research I do the less it seems like a good idea. And the final one is a recommendation from my counselor. So, I am going to apply to seven colleges in total, see which ones accept me, and make my decision from there. 

That’s my problem with college and with my outlook on the future as a whole right now. It all just seems like settling for whatever is available and tolerable when it’s made out to seem like a fairy tale “ever after” decision. 

Perhaps I’m going about it the wrong way.  Or perhaps this is the way it really is for a lot of graduating seniors, though too few of us are actually admitting it.