If someone would have told me last year that 2020 would begin with the world completely shutting down due to a life-threatening virus, I would have laughed. There’s no way to prepare for times like this. I still find myself waking up in the morning thinking that this has all been one giant fever dream.

It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that we have been robbed of our senior year. I’ve struggled with the idea that I might not be able to walk across Newman Stadium in my cap and gown, waving goodbye to the last 12 years of my life. My chorus family didn’t get to travel to Disney, and a trip to Italy with my grandmother vanished before my eyes. It seems like everything I’ve looked forward to for years now has disappeared. And as this pandemic gets worse and my life continues to become more and more isolated, I felt myself disappearing as well.

I have always complained about going to school. The phrase “I had senioritis when I was a freshman” was pretty much invented for me. But having it taken away has made me understand how much I truly need routine in my life. Sleeping in until noon every day and knowing I can’t see my friends and teachers have had such a large impact on my mental health and the health of the people I care about. I have seen some of the strongest people I know deteriorating under quarantine. It has become a running theme for girls to cut and dye their hair pink solely because they have nothing else to do. I would be lying if I said I didn’t participate in that. Besides altering our appearances, sleep schedules have been destroyed, exercising has become a distant memory, and stir-crazy families have made arguing their solitary form of communication. 

Even so, I have learned a brilliant amount about myself. Like I said, I learned that underneath my complaining, I really do enjoy going to school. But more importantly, I am starting to understand more and more every day how my mind works. I’ve always known that spending time alone is healthy and good practice when searching for a better understanding of myself. But I had no idea that long, lonely weeks of disappointment and negativity would be necessary to create a better relationship with myself.

Needless to say, being alone is a struggle for a lot of people. With a constant connection to social media, a lot of teenagers, including myself, are so reliant on interaction that we spend our alone time searching for people to talk to on Instagram and Snapchat. While I can’t quite say I’ve avoided that entirely, I will say I’ve started to lose interest and am finding myself without my phone in my hand more often. Walking around my house aimlessly, I’ve discovered old hobbies that clear my head. When I stumbled upon a box of old paint and brushes, I very quickly came to find that entertaining myself by creating art is a gift that I lost in the rhythm of high school. I have learned in my newfound free time how to create. Small, beautiful details that I’ve added to the decor of my room and my clothing helped me to appreciate what I am capable of. 

Through making little mistakes and fixing them with a paintbrush, I’ve connected myself to art like I never have before. I’ve decided that when things return to normal, I can use the skills that I’ve gathered in quarantine in my day-to-day life. Like painting, things may not always start out the smoothest. Mistakes will be made, but I know now that with a little bit of effort and time, they can be fixed and turned into something beautiful.