Unless one is new to the North Allegheny School District, it is no secret that NASH’s spring musicals are an annual triumph. The shows, which typically wrap up casting before the first month of the school year, take months upon months of work. But it’s time to add another show to the spring calendar.  Coming the evening of Thursday, May 26th (one day before seniors’ last day) for one night only, a new demographic at NASH is taking center stage — none other than our very own NASH staff.

“It’s actually a funny story,” said David Schmiech, the Staff Musical Director, “I was talking with one of my chamber choir students about the success of our spring musicals, and she joked that she wanted to see her math teacher, Mr. Hannan, singing and dancing on stage. Then the idea was born.”

So, which musical will the staff be performing next spring, you ask?

“We’re so excited to be producing Grease this May.” said English teacher Mrs. Darrah Rhinehart, “I will be playing Sandra Dee, and I can’t help but think it has something to do with my curly blonde hair.”

Schmiech’s selection of Rhinehart for the lead role was about much more than her hair style. An NA grad, the English teacher participated in several musicals during her time here as a student. Her dance background was another advantage, as there are nearly a dozen musical numbers in Grease.

“I was in three musicals at NA,” Rhinehart said, “Singing in The Rain, Guys and Dolls, and Annie, which all have a crazy amount of dance numbers to them.”

Another teacher at NASH with an extensive dance background is Latin teacher Magistra Connie Ramsey, who will be playing Betty Rizzo, the sarcastic leader of the “Pink Ladies.”

“I have been dancing since before I was in high school,” said Ramsey, “so I’m looking forward to showing what I can do. I’m not fond of the fact that I have to antagonize Mrs. Rhinehart, but I’m looking forward to bringing my sarcasm to the NASH stage.”

Joining Rhinehart and Ramsey as one of the leads of the musical is Football Head Coach Art Walker.

“I will be playing Danny Zuko,” said Walker. “A lot of my players have told me I remind them of him, so I figured the role fits pretty well.”

Walker’s friend and fellow football coach, NASH counselor Mr. Kevin Thompson — who will be playing Ensemble Member #3 — could not believe that Walker agreed to be in the show.

“This does not really seem like his kind of thing,” said Thompson, “but I could always tell he had a musical side to him when he would hum the national anthem before football games. The guy has some pipes.”

Walker and Thompson are not the only coaches participating in the musical, however. NA Cross Country and Track and Field Coach John Neff will be filling the role of Kenickie Murdoch, second-in-command of the T-Birds and a role that requires extensive vocal range.

“Despite criticism from some of my fellow staff members here at NASH, I will be giving one-hundred percent to this role,” Neff said. “Their jealousy fuels me.”

NASH’s new staff musical will feature more than just a faculty cast. It will be entirely put on by NASH employees, including the stage crew.

“The price of raw materials has prevented us from doing everything we originally wanted,” said English teacher and Stage Crew Manager Mr. Mooney. “We hoped to re-enact the famous drag race scene from the movie version, but we couldn’t afford the exhaust kits.  But Student Council donated cardboard tubes from their paper rolls, so we’ll get by.”

Complicating matters is the fact that Artistic Director Mr. Tozier has been up to his eyes in technological issues.

“We just got out of the era of remote learning,” said Tozier, “and we could hardly handle Blackboard Collaborate. I’m keeping an open mind about using stage technology with our teachers, but so far we have had seven wireless mics go missing.”

Despite the roadbumps, rehearsals have been going smoothly. 

“I’m having the time of my life singing and dancing,” said chemistry and anatomy teacher Mr. Downs, who plays Ensemble Member #9. “I’m an anatomy teacher, so I like to show the other teachers stretches to help with sore muscles from all the dancing.”

With ticket sales set to open next month, some teachers are planning to incentivize their students to see this first-ever faculty production.

“I’ll be giving one summative bonus point to my students who see the show,” said Rhinehart. “It’s the easiest extra credit you could ever earn!”

As word gets out regarding the unprecedented show, excitement is growing among the student body, with the notable exception of NASH senior Calvin Broadus, a student in Rhinehart’s English class.

“I wish it were a formative bonus point instead of a summative,” Broadus said, before realizing he may have confused the terms.  “Or maybe summative is what I need.  Remind me, which one is the larger percentage of my grade?”

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Editors’ Note (as of 4pm, Apr 1): As the dateline indicates, this article was published on April Fools’ Day.  The story described in this article is entirely fictitious and was intended merely as a joke.