RESOLVED: Polar Express is an overrated movie.

PAVLE: Nick, we obviously have our differences, but I hope we can both agree that Polar Express is truly an overrated and horrid movie.

NICK: Polar Express is anything but overrated, my dear Pavle.  It is a beloved film by kids in the world.

PAVLE: Beloved is a strong word, I was forced year after year in elementary school to watch that film the day before break started. Not only does seeing that film give me flashbacks to my childhood, it also reminds me of the terrors I experienced while watching it.

NICK:  You experienced terrors while watching Polar Express?

PAVLE: Well, yes, of course! The scene where Chris gets lost in the abandoned train car with a bunch marionette dolls still periodically haunts my dreams.

NICK: Aren’t you being a tad bit dramatic?

PAVLE: I concede that in regular circumstances I would be, as I would have had the option to simply not watch the film. However, from grades one through five, I was forced, FORCED, to watch Polar Express the day before break, year after year. Each year, I would beg my parents to not let me go to school, thinking about that damned scene, but there was no such hope for me, and they forced me to go and sit in that classroom, just as prisoners in Guantanamo Bay are forcibly tortured every day for years on end.

NICK:  Okay, you obviously have unresolved issues from childhood trauma and should seek guidance from our amazing team of guidance counselors.  I’m sorry you were “forced” to watch Polar Express every year.  And how can you possibly correlate your “torture” to that of those in Guantanamo Bay? Chill, boi.

PAVLE: Moreover, what’s the deal with Tom Hanks playing like 6 characters in the movie, including the creepy pedophile conductor convincing young kids to get on his “train” in the middle of the night with the promise to see “Santa Claus” and free “hot chocolate”, the eerie hobo ghost dude who lives on top of the train, and jolly ol’ Saint Nick himself?! Could they only afford one A-List actor?

NICK;  Tom Hanks is a gosh darn national hero who can play any role to any quantity.  Do not disrespect my man!  Also, dude, it’s a train–not a white van with “candy.”  You are blowing this out of proportion.  I enjoyed this film as a kid simply because I loved trains (still do) and Santa.  Stop psychoanalyzing it like a wanna-be Sherlock Holmes.

PAVLE:  Train, white van, they are practically synonymous in this movie! Also, how about the fact that every character looks like they are going to viciously kidnap the children in the movie? Even if you disregard these facts, there is so much danger involved in getting to the North Pole “to meet “Santa”. The hundreds of children almost die because the creepy trainmasters can’t stop the train to hell.

NICK:  Is the animation creepy and realistic? Yes.  But no one dies — “almost” only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.   I will concede that the book Polar Express is much better than the movie.  Can we both agree to this?

PAVLE: No, the concept itself is terrifying, and the movie just puts the fears of the book into animation. Tom Hanks ruined my childhood.

NICK:  Tom Hanks is quasi-God and would be a better president than Drumpf.  Merry Christmas, Pavle.  You’re hopeless.

PAVLE: Ha! As if, either way, Merry Christmas, Nick. Thank you.

NICK:  You are a true even match, Pavle.