As North Allegheny continues to lead the way forward in the modern educational world, the district is always looking for ways to improve students’ learning environment.

At the most recent district facilities meeting, the idea of boarding up NASH’s windows in order to reduce distractions was finally confirmed. The issue has been on the table since September, but the project has been confirmed to start over spring break. This decision was based on a study from Yale University in August 2022, which found that test scores in windowless rooms were, on average, 30% higher than tests taken in rooms with windows. 

Some teachers, like Mr. Luke Lester, NASH’s AP Statistics teacher, found this research to be conclusive.

“It was a solid study,” Lester said. “The results were statistically significant, and even though it might seem weird, stranger things have been proven true.” 

Stew Peters, the North Allegheny Building Cleanliness Advisor, confirmed that the recent bed bug infestation at both NASH and NAI is a top priority when considering all current redesigns, as bed bugs have been known to multiply exponentially when exposed to natural light. 

“We’ve looked into the research,” Peters said in reference to a University of Michigan study on learning in schools. “We’ve really found that this [project] would serve a double purpose—a safer school and a more focused learning environment.” 

Other teachers, like Magistra Ramsey, NASH’s Latin teacher, were more opposed to the idea. 

“I’m one of the few teachers who would notice that kind of thing,” Ramsey joked. “And, I mean, what will happen to my fake plants!”

Students, too, are split on the issue. Some, like senior Samhita Gudapati, one of the leaders of NASH’s Environmental Club, are strictly opposed to a windowless NASH. 

“There’s already so little natural light in this building. That’s why I spend so much time in the greenhouse,” Gudapati stated. “This is just going to turn it into an actual prison.”

However, it has been confirmed that both the greenhouse’s windows and those at the school entrances will remain intact during the project next week. 

Many students, like senior Ben Quint, are more indifferent. 

“Most of my classes are in the middle of the building, so it’s not like it really makes a difference to me,” Quint said. “Besides, I’m only going to be here for a few more months.”

Mr. Lance Rhinehart, NASH’s AP Language and Composition teacher, is similarly ambivalent about the decision. 

Rhinehart said, “Well, it doesn’t really bother me all that much because I’ve taught in a room without windows for years, and I find that that’s okay, because I bring my own sunshine anyhow.”

It has also been confirmed that the project would be fairly easy as well. North Allegheny’s Head Architectural Services Manager, Yor DeFuln, has been overseeing and building blueprints for this project since the beginning of the 2022-2023 school year. She stated that the plans have been running very smoothly. 

“We’ve found that this would be a really simple matter,” she remarked. “The windows that exist right now are so small that this project could conceivably be finished several days before the conclusion spring break.”

Though responses were mixed, district officials hope that this project will correlate with an improvement in grade point averages and a more vibrant NASH. 

“Lots of parents are worried about how this will affect learning, even with the research supporting this decision,” Peters stated. “And to that, I say that only time will tell.”

____________________

Editors’ Note (as of 3pm, Apr 1): As the dateline indicates, this article was published on April Fools’ Day.  The story described in this article is entirely fictitious and was intended merely as a joke.