In a shocking turn of events, NASH has announced plans to cut the tennis court parking lots (coloquially known as “ghetto”) in half in favor of brand-new pickleball courts. The decision has sparked outrage among students who are now being asked to park at St. Alexis as overflow parking. 

“It’s really not that big of a deal. They have a shuttle,” said Ms. Lacy McBride, the North Allegheny Assistant Director of Student Logistics, who seemed unfazed by the backlash of the students. “Walking is good for them.”

However, the students strongly disagree.

“This is so stupid,” said Christopher Breaux, a NASH junior. “Now I have to drive to St. Alexis just to take another bus? I could’ve just taken the bus from home.”

For juniors eager to get their parking pass next year, the news was particularly devastating.

“I was finally going to get a pass next year,” said Ashley Wheeler. “Now I have to get to school extra early to fight for half of the spaces. It’s just cruel.”

In the meantime, the district’s Parking Supervisor, Mr. Hank Lotz, is taking a more optimistic approach to the situation.

“Student drivers simply need to arrive at NASH much earlier next year,” said Lotz, who is an avid pickleball player in his free time. “I personally cannot wait to use the pickleball courts over the summer. I’ve already started practicing my backhand.”

NASH math teacher Mr. Hannan is just as eager to hit the courts and maybe even use the sport as a part of his course.

“I normally play pickleball in North Park, so I’m excited to have courts closer to me,” he said. “I’m thinking of somehow incorporating pickleball scoring into my Honors Statistics curriculum.”

The gym teachers of NASH are equally excited.

“I’m thrilled,” said Mrs. Winslow. “Pickleball is a completely different sport from tennis, and it just isn’t the same on a tennis court. I am so excited to be able to use a proper court.”

Winslow’s view is consistent with the guidelines specified by The Allegheny Pickleball Society, whose bylaws state, “Proper pickleball must never be played on a tennis court.” 

Despite the enthusiasm from the NASH staff, the majority of students remain unconvinced.

“Why would they do this? We play pickleball on the tennis courts already,” said frustrated junior Imani Rose. “It is just so unnecessary for them to take it this far.”

Regardless of the chaos, the administration remains enthusiastic about their decision.

“Students who arrive too late have nothing to fear,” assured McBride. “The shuttle will run every 10 minutes, ensuring that students will arrive on time as well as get to drive to school.”

The announcement has been a shock for all faculty and students. Did NASH really prioritize pickleball over student parking? Either way, students are advised to get to school earlier than in previous years if they want to earn a parking spot for the upcoming 2025-2026 school year.

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Editors’ Note: As the dateline suggests, this article is an April Fools’ prank and has no basis whatsoever in actual fact. It is entirely fictitious.