Conspirator’s Corner: The Flat Earth

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Roman Hladio, Reporter

The Earth is flat.  

There, I beat Logan Paul to the punch with that one.  The proof is undeniable and all around us — or rather all a-flat us.

Just so all you normies know this stuff’s legit, I made the most logical choice I’ve ever made in my life — I joined a Flat Earth message board.  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, yours truly is a proud member of the Flat Earth Society. Honestly, it isn’t that special since anyone with an email can sign up, but it sounds awesome.  I’m probably going to put it on my resume.

The Flat Earth enthusiast and YouTuber Mark Sargent has been my main source of information on this transformative journey.

Let’s take a step back for a second and ask an important question — where did the globe model come from?  According to my newfound knowledge from Sargent’s video course (and Mr. Bugel’s class), Nicholas Copernicus was the first to introduce the idea of a spherical earth.  We’ll just forget about Eratosthenes for a little bit. The only problem was that there was totally, absolutely no way to prove the Earth is a sphere.

What’s that I hear you saying?  Ships would still dip below the horizon even if we didn’t have a balloon capable of carrying people until the 1760s?  Absolutely not! I can’t believe that you would suggest that you can still see proof even without being in the sky! That’s just absurd.

Let’s begin to pull ourselves closer to the present; we’re now looking at the mid-1900s. The U.S. and Russia both have the means to show the shape of the Earth through rockets.  Follow their reactions, though, and things seem off. Right after both nations got high enough to see the shape of the Earth, something strange happened — Antarctica was determined off-limits to most industrialized nations.  

All you “Globe-Believers” would like to think that it’s just too cold.  Where are your jackets? What happened to your precious global warming now, huh?

Real talk, though, why would no nation touch free real-estate sitting in the middle of the ocean? There’s only one answer  — Antarctica isn’t real and is just the cold edge of our world.  And we all know that the only way to keep people out of an area is to make some bull-crap excuses that make them think it’s “uninhabitable” or “74.6℃ colder than an average person’s refrigerator.”

I think now’s a great time to share some comments from my new friends in the Flat Earth Society but without the use of their usernames to ensure anonymity.  One of my favorites goes a little something like this: “The Earth is not a spinning ball in the vacuum of space. For one thing, the so-called ‘vacuum’ would rip the earth apart.  Gravity is just the same thing as the theory of relativity, and we have no proof that it exists, and we have no picture or video evidence of the shape of the earth that hasn’t been electronically altered in some way.”

Some really brilliant words from a true American right there.  Remember to keep your mind and eyes open because you never know what might jump out at you while you’re watching.

Disclaimer: I do not subscribe to the beliefs presented in this article, but I did have a very enjoyable time researching them.  Also, Mark Sargent’s videos were really interesting to listen to, even though I don’t agree with them.