Raid your closet for pastels and make room in your stomach for candy — Easter is nearly here. With the holiday just around the bend, now is a good time to prepare yourself for the festivities that lie ahead. If you want to get the most out of it, take a quick glance at the following suggestions so your day will be filled with smiles and only the occasional toothache.

First of all, I’d say be cautious of the relatives. Yes, go ahead and give your grandma a hug, but, in my experience, it is best to avoid the little ones at all costs. They’re cute until one of them gets their hands on you, and, oh, for the love of God why is that so sticky? Either they’ve made an early dive for their Easter baskets, or one of the “cool aunts” decided it was a good idea to buy them slime.

You’ll probably want to keep your distance from Aunt Petunia as well. You know, the one that constantly talks like she’s a soprano opera singer and says things like “whatnot.” Now, don’t get me wrong, she’s a lovely lady, of course, it’s just that she layers on enough perfume (probably called Pansies at Play, or something like that) to damage your lungs should you inhale too deeply.

It’s probably best to sit at the other end of the table, to be completely honest. Except when doing this, don’t be fooled by his furry white face and plump physique, Uncle Time is not the Easter bunny. He’s merely a man in need of a shave that has been fattened up this holiday by the feast of ham and fruit cakes.

And in mentioning the Easter bunny, that brings me to my next point. As a child, he is viewed as a mystical being of playful fun, with a fluffy cotton tail and toothy smile. However, now he is to be approached with caution, as it is important to consider the fact that that luscious white coat is a suit, and there is actually a sweaty man inside, waiting for his shift to be over, so he can stop dealing with crying babies. Which speaking of babies in distress, looking back, it seems as if they’ve had it right all along. I mean, the Easter bunny is really creepy when you think about it. A giant animal with black soulless eyes probably seeking revenge for all the rabbits that humans have either killed, kept as pets, or scared the living daylights out of. I mean, who’s to say he’s not bringing children all that candy just to fatten them up. Classic Hansel and Grettle move right there.

On top of it all, think of the number of chocolate bunnies that have had their heads bitten off over the years. Be careful, guys, just saying. There could be a double meaning to Easter egg hunt.

Be very strategic about those plastic eggs, by the way. I’d recommend shaking them before claiming them for your own. You never want to be that person who gets the egg with a single jelly bean in it. There is nothing more disappointing in life, I tell you. Nothing. Because, naturally, the more candy the better. After all, the only only only reason for Easter is to make up for what foods you’ve missed out on during the long 40 days of Lent. It’s not like it’s a religious holiday or anything. That’s just absurd.

But in all seriousness, I hope everyone takes advantage of this beautiful time. Take a moment to listen to the birds chirping, and watch all the kids run around in frilly bonnets and freshly pressed khaki pants. Maybe laugh at that one little girl that fell down and has mud on the back of her dress now. Maybe feel bad for her mother who just bought her that very dress. Just don’t forget to smile and have a good time. Because Easter really is a sign of hope. It’s almost the end of the school year after all;)