Dear Uproar,

What should I get my mother for Mother’s Day?

~Mama’s Boy

A panic attack. Just a huge panic attack. Rattle her. Give her the old switcheroo. Knock her socks off. See if her instincts as a mother are still intact. Here’s what to do: Set off the smoke detector at 4 AM. Once she’s awake, convince her to sit down with you so you can tell her about a (fake) news article you saw about the newest teen trend (e.g. swallowing marbles, playing tag on the highway, etc.), followed by a confession that you’re not going to college. Once it seems like this is enough, reveal your ace of spades: you have smallpox. This should be enough to make her appreciate the obnoxious singing Mother’s Day card you bought her just yesterday. Happy heart attack!