The Advice is Wrong: Turkey Recipe

Rachel Morrell, Staff Writer

“I am sick and tired of the same old recipes for my family’s Thanksgiving dinner. Any suggestions on how I should spice it up this year?” ~ turk3ylvr


For most Thanksgiving dinners, a large, juicy, roasted turkey is the main course. Lots of high-end chefs like Gordon Ramsey and Martha Stewart recommend stuffing your turkey with onions, carrots, thyme, and lemons. While respecting the opinions of the culinary gods, it’s clear to see that their recipes are old and basic. Here’s my great-great-grandmother Bagtha Bartholdy’s famous turkey dinner recipe: 



1 whole turkey

2 sticks of butter

1 onion, chopped

1 handful of Cotton candy

2 banana peels

3 raw eggs

⅔ cup of spaghetti sauce

1 cup of blue cheese

3 tablespoons of vinegar

1 bag of gummy bears

3 pickles 


  1. Acquire turkey (this is usually done by going on a 3-day expedition through the forests to hunt a turkey, but store-bought is fine). 
  2. Prepare the turkey to be stuffed (pluck the feathers off or leave them on, although Grandma Bagtha thinks the roasted feathers add a crisp flavor).
  3. Line a large casserole dish with tin foil and place the whole turkey in the center. 
  4. Take one stick of butter, unmelted, and put it in the turkey. Then take the spaghetti sauce and spread it evenly around the inside of the turkey. 
  5. Open up a bag of gummy bears, put the chopped onion in the bag, and shake it around to evenly distribute the candy and onions. Empty the glorious mixture in the turkey. 
  6. Crack the raw eggs inside the turkey and leave the shells inside for a crunchy texture to enhance the turkey. 
  7. Sprinkle blue cheese over the top of the turkey and lay the banana peels on top. Then, take the vinegar and drizzle it over the peels.
  8. Take the pickles and lay them in a triangle shape near the middle of the turkey (the shape is essential for all the flavors to mix). Then, close the opening of the turkey with cotton candy.
  9. Place the turkey in the oven at 800 degrees and stare at it while it cooks for 2 hours. Grandma Bagtha believed that staring at the turkey motivates it to cook faster and even if the kitchen starts to catch fire, you must maintain your gaze to ensure maximum success. 
  10. Enjoy!