What’s the ideal milk-to-cookie ratio?

Two cookies to a glass of milk– keep in mind that volume is simply a measure of space. With that said, I’ve done some work with Erlenmeyer flasks and such to determine this perfect ratio. 

Is the beard real, and does Mrs. Claus like it? 

Oh, it’s real. It’s all real. Had it since I was 12. Mrs. Claus might tell you she doesn’t care for it, but each year there’s more grooming kits and beard balm than you can imagine… so, you tell me, amirite?

How many pounds does the suit add?

Somewhere between 4 and 72. I’m bad with numbers. 

Has Mrs. Claus ever brought up Weight Watchers?

Oh yeah, but, I mean, whatever, right? I’ve heard the Weight Watchers, Keto, Noom… she’s always got some new idea, some new program. She had the elves build me a Fitbit a few years back– I “lost” it somewhere over Iowa.

If someone were to leave gluten-free, sugar-free cookies out for you, would giving them a present even be an option anymore?

Certainly. We’re all in this together and anything is appreciated — always.

If you were to ever shave the beard, what brand of the razor would you use? Harry’s, Gillette or Dollar Shave?

I know Dr. Kreider is a Gillette-man, I think Dr. McGahee, too. I’d say based on that level of result, I’d go the same: Gillette. 

Is Santa more of a “Nightmare before Christmas” or “Elf” guy?

Elf. Next question.

Does Rudolph live up to the hype? How shiny really is his nose?

It’s off the charts in terms of kilowatts. Blinding. As I’ve said before, when you’re bombing through the stratosphere with only one headlight, ya better have yourself a good one.

Can Santa cook or does he have his elves do all the work?

I mean, I dabble. I like myself a nice turducken in the afternoon. Since no one else seems able to make it right, I gotta make it myself.

What are your thoughts on S.P.E.W. aka the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare? 

Support it. I’m in full support. Lemme explain– a hero of mine, Dobby the Elf, too soon gone, made me really come to appreciate the house elf lifestyle. I donate my fair share of scarves and hats, oh, and socks. Seems only right. Yeah, S.P.E.W. means something to me. Means an awful lot, truth be told. I also, in the last several years, have begun to offer wages for house elf services rendered.

What’s on Santa’s wish list this year? 

I’m a quirky guy. Lace-up Crocs. #3 pencils. But then, I’m kinda trendy, so a Hydroflask. Scrunchies. Ariana Grande tickets. 

How long have you been Santa?

Yes.

What’s the best Christmas Party you’ve been to?

Stopped by a place just this year, actually, and got a golf cart ride into the soiree. That was a first. The house was packed. Lots of good food– DJ keeping things litty-lit-lit. And it was right here in town, South Hills place. Generous folks, I’ll tell ya.

What’s your opinion on fake/electrical chimneys?

Are you kidding me? Are. You. Kidding. Me? I’m about to walk out of this interview on a question like that. Fake chimneys? How about fake stockings? Fake cookies. Fake wrapping paper. Fake tans. I mean, c’mon. This show is all about real. It’s about real magic. Real believing. Real reindeer flying overhead. Real. Got it? I’m sorry, but fake isn’t what I’m about. Ever. 

Does the Grinch ever drop by and cause mischief? 

He’s just misunderstood. I’ve been saying that for years. He stops by for brunch every Sunday. Charming guy. 

Since male reindeer lose their antlers in the winter, what’s it like having a group of strong independent female reindeers help deliver presents?

Fantastic! I’d say it’s an upgrade for sure. The females are timely, more communicative. I gotta say, too, that they just listen better. They listen to the plan, the directions– and they listen when I need them to *sniffle*, and that… that helps. I don’t *sniffle* know what *sob* I’d do without ‘em *sob, sob*. Rubydolf the red-nosed female reindeer is my favorite.