This Article is about Nothing.

Seriously, there’s nothing here. Go do anything else.

This+is+not+a+mistake.+It+is+an+image+of+exactly+what+this+article+is+about%3A+nothing.

Wikimedia Commons

This is not a mistake. It is an image of exactly what this article is about: nothing.

Nolan Collery, Staff Writer

In this article, I will be writing about nothing. There is no point. Seriously. I will be writing about nothing at all.

I am suggesting you save your time and do literally anything else. Anything at all. By clicking on this article, I can assume you are either procrastinating or bored. If you are procrastinating, go get whatever it is you are avoiding done. If you are bored, please find something more meaningful to do with your time.

***

Why are you still here?

I am writing about nothing at all. Truly nothing. I am not going to say anything of any level of importance in this article. You aren’t going to gain any level of knowledge or understanding from wasting precious time out of your day reading this.

Want me to level with you?

I just need to write one more article to pass this class, and I am truly giving the absolute minimum effort here. I figure there is nothing less important in life than reading a paper about nothing, so it really can’t be that difficult to write. This is my lowest level of effort. Click off this story if you are still reading this.

***

I am beyond confused. You are still reading this. Let me stress this; there is absolutely no satisfying conclusion to reading this. No underlying story or message I am trying to express as a writer. I am not giving any sort of secret opinion for the astute reader to discover. There is truly nothing here at all.

This article doesn’t even fit on this website. I mean, it can’t really be categorized, right? Nothing isn’t newsworthy. I wouldn’t feature a lack of anything. What’s so sporty about me doing the bare minimum? You would be reaching to call this artistic or entertaining. No, this article clearly doesn’t belong on this website. In fact, I might go as far to say that it is the worst article ever produced by The Uproar — ever.

So, why are you still here? I can only assume it’s for one reason – you don’t believe me. You, the reader, think that I, the writer, am hiding something — ‘Yes, that’s It! He is making an extended and beautiful metaphor about a larger issue! I must press on!’

I’m not. I am writing an article about absolutely nothing.

***

Here, let me prove it. Maybe you think this is some kind of argumentative piece against THE SYSTEM. Well, we are often told to link research from our source material to strengthen arguments. Well, I am not going to link anything of any purpose. Instead, I am going to link a random Wikipedia article. It is going to be comletely random and entirely unrelated.

Here it is.

This will generate a new, entirely random article every time you click it. It is a massive waste of time, yet somehow a better use of your day than reading this. And since it is entirely random, I have no control over where it takes you, so don’t think the page I sent you to is a secret or the missing piece of the puzzle to discover what this article really means. I’d honestly recommend wasting your time reading that instead of this. That article is at least about something. This is not. This is about nothing.

***

“OK, Maybe this is a news piece about some secret issue so taboo, he can’t even type it out. That must be it!”

Sure, let’s run with it. Let me add some classic ‘News-Telling’ devices to show you how ridiculous it is to think I am writing about something.

This is not a quote at all. This is still me doing nothing. But, since it is in this fancy box, I’m assuming your hopes are up; that this is finally something. It’s not.”

— me

 

As you can tell by the quote I just made up and this hastily made graph, I am not telling a breaking news story. This is a waste of time. Please, go do literally anything else.

***

I am so frustrated. What could possibly be your reason for reading this? You must either be unfathomably bored, unreasonably convinced to discover my writer’s purpose (there is none), or my mom. Hi Mom. How has your day been? Mine is going alright… I can’t seem to convince this reader to go away for some reason. I have nothing to hide here, I know you know that. What’s for dinner tonight? Please, nothing in the Croc-Pot. Alright, I need to continue writing about nothing. I’ll see you later.

***

Alright look, I’m going to pull out all the stops to prove once and for all that I am truly writing about nothing. I am going to use every potential normal story building tool to prove that there is nothing of note. We’ll go through our characters, our setting, the mood, the rich plot, the motivations, the rising action, the plot twist, and the grand conclusion. Let’s try to build a story with what we know about each other.

Once upon a time, there was a reader. This reader had absolutely nothing good to do with their day. Then, came a writer with nothing to say at all. The reader realized they had wasted their time.

The End.

See? There can’t be a plot with nothing to tell. There is nothing. Nothing at all.

***

I’m amazed. You made it to the end. I rambled for roughly 900 words, and you read every last one. You’ve survived to the end of this twisted journey, chalk-full of emotions and excitement, and finally get the pay off. The point of it all. I reveal what’s behind the curtain, and you understand what I have been trying to say.

But that’s just it.

There is no point.

This article is about nothing.