The Advice is Wrong: Valentine’s Day Edition

drawing by Rachel Tian

Rachel Morrell, Staff Writer

“My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago and our plans for Valentine’s Day were canceled. I’m sick and tired of seeing happy couples making romantic plans. How do I survive the holiday being single?” -Brk<3

I’m so sorry you have to endure this wretched holiday without anyone to share it with. In order to make this better, you have to adopt a new mindset: If you can’t be happy on Valentine’s Day, no one can. 

When you’re around your friends or classmates, complain constantly about being single, especially if they are discussing their plans. Inform them that you will be sitting alone, in your bed, eating chips and watching Netflix movies about romance. Make your loneliness the center of attention and put a damper on their happiness. 

Another way to avoid being by yourself is to tag along on someone else’s dinner date. I wouldn’t call it “third-wheeling” — it’s more like being an extra nugget in a 10-piece meal. You weren’t asked for, but your presence will surely be welcomed. Get to know a friend’s significant other and ask them both if you can accompany them. If they decline your asking, find out where they are going to be and “accidentally” run into them there. 

If you do end up being alone that night, be sure to keep yourself occupied. NEVER watch romantic movies on Valentine’s Day! The harsh reality you live in will eventually come back to you, even after you escape into The Notebook. Go for a walk, binge eat chocolate chips straight from the bag, maybe even internet-stalk your ex-boyfriend. 

And finally, here’s a pro tip: Go to your local CVS or grocery store the day after Valentine’s Day. Most stores sell their holiday candies at a lovely discount after the celebrations have passed.