How to Procrastinate like an Expert

in 10 all-too-easy steps

Virginia Lucas, Staff Writer

Anyone can be a amateur procrastinator.  Anyone can wait a day or two longer than they should before starting that big report or that long packet.  However, very few can attain the skills necessary to ascend to the big leagues and truly call themselves a Master Procrastinator.  If you are looking to improve your own ability to put things off, or are simply clicking on this article to avoid doing your classwork, read on to learn all the steps you need to procrastinate like a true expert.


Get your assignment.  Whether a project for science or a paper for English, this assignment will invariably require time and careful effort on your part.  Effort that you will most certainly put in… right?  Shove whatever rubric or sheet of instructions the teacher gives you into the growing stack of loose papers in your backpack and be on your way.  Don’t worry about writing the assignment down in your planner!  You never forget anything!  Besides, you forgot both the planner and your pens at home today.  


The project was only assigned a day or two ago, but you swear to yourself that this won’t be like every other major project you wait until the last minute to do.  You’re going to start this one early.  The most essential thing to getting work done is making sure you’re in the right environment, so pause to prepare your surroundings.  Open your curtains to let in natural light, fetch a cold drink, light a calming candle, and find the perfect playlist of ambient background piano music.  Start a Google Doc.  Change the title to the name of the assignment.  Stare at the blank page for five to ten minutes.  Wow, wasn’t that taxing!  You deserve a nap!  Surely you’ll come back to the project afterwards, right? 


Forget the assignment in its entirety.  That’s right!  Forget the due date, the subject, and especially the Google Doc you made.


Listen to a friend of yours say they finished the assignment weeks ago and remember that you haven’t started yours yet.  Check the deadline.  An entire week left!  That’s all the time in the world!  You have no reason to worry!  Yet.  


Wow, would you look at that!  You blinked once and suddenly your assignment is due tomorrow.  Still no reason to worry, though, because it’s only noon!  If you work hard all afternoon and evening you can definitely finish.


Alright, you just got home from school.  Time to do some work.  But oh, would you look at that!  Before you start your project you just have to clean off that dusty spot on your bookshelf, and try on every shirt you own, and identify all the species of grass in your backyard.  Just the most essential and pressing activities.  You’ll have plenty of time to finish.  

STEP 7: 

You’re halfway through cleaning and reorganizing your room when you look up and it’s almost midnight.  Almost midnight and you have to wake up at 6 AM?  Wake up at 6 AM to walk into your first period class and turn in the assignment you haven’t started yet?  It’s crunch time.  Chug an energy drink, do some jumping jacks, crack your knuckles, and settle in.  


Your fingers are flying.  The words are coming out of you faster than your conscious mind can register them.  A small to medium sized earthquake could hit your home right now and you wouldn’t even notice. You have moved past exhaustion.  You catch your own reflection in the mirror on your wall and notice the crazed look in your eyes.  Only three pages left to go.


Is your assignment particularly good?  No!  Is it coherent?  Probably not!  But is it finished?  Yes!  Just as the birds begin to sing you finish your conclusion paragraph and sit back.  You suppose you should feel triumphant, but all you feel right now is numb.  And so, so tired.  But hey, the paper is finished.

STEP 10:

Turn in your work!  Flash your teacher a sheepish smile and hope to heaven that it’s not the worst piece of work they’ve read in their entire academic career.  Swear that next time, next time, you won’t let this happen again.