Recently, I accidentally mailed my medical records to Santa and my Christmas list to the proctologist. Any advice on how to fix this? ~Present Tense

Well, you really hate to see that happen. Aside from eating lots of comfort food and getting in touch with your zodiac, you don’t have many options other than going to Santa himself. Lucky for you, the ecstatic and existential writers at The Uproar are happy to help.

First things first, Santa’s so called “North Pole” is actually located in the midwest (think Coen brothers films). All those jolly elves? They are actually the remnants of the Works Progress Administration. Not to bring you down, but you will basically be dealing with a festive DMV while retrieving your records. Assuming the potato harvest was gucci this year, however, getting what is rightfully yours will be no issue.

Unfortunately, proctologists are known to be much more vindictive, vile creatures than elves. Aside from their undying passion for helping patients, proctologists cling to paper products like water in a desert. These people are the reason society locks up its doilies and protects its post it notes. To circumvent this, leave a paper plate of cookies in the waiting room and wait twenty minutes. While the whole office squabbles over who gets to keep the paper, sneak into the back and retrieve your christmas list. Talk about one stop holiday shopping.

Although we basically just made your day, we don’t want any credit. Instead, we should all try learning from you. Yes you. So this holiday season be overly confident in your mistakes, double park like everybody’s going to heaven, and believe that proctologists can give amazing Christmas gifts too.