The Uproar

Good Talk: Mr. Claus

Madelynn Stibbard, Head Interviewer

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photo by Kaycee Orwig

Does it get hot in that suit?

Darn right it does. You add on about 12-13 degrees of core temperature when you throw that coat on, but it’s totally worth it. With Mrs. Claus making all of that bacon and holiday treats, it helps burn off some of the fat that I put on for the holidays.

What do you eat the other 364 days of the year?

Tofu. I get into a lot of rice cakes and try to be really mindful of my diet, though you wouldn’t suspect that if you were looking at me coming off the holiday. I stay well hydrated, that kind of stuff… well, you don’t eat water, but you know what I mean.

Is your favorite reindeer really Rudolph? 

Yeah. I mean when you’re bombing through most of the atmosphere with one headlight, you tend to favor that headlight. Donner has his moments, though, real comedian, real funny. But Rudolph for sure. No surprise there, I guess.

What inspired you to become “Santa”? 

Well, my dad was a cobbler and my mom was a homemaker, and I always had that entrepreneurial spirit, wanted to hang my own shingles — that kind of thing — and it just seemed right for me. I took a couple of correspondence courses and so forth, but with the personality type it just seemed to be the career for me. And nobody else was doing it, so that kind of drove the idea home and inspired me to make my mark on the world.

How do you remember all of those presents for all of those kids?

I have a system — can’t divulge too much of how that system works — but it consists of a lot of algorithms, checks and balances, binary codes, and such. It has a number of moving parts to it: I have a numbering system (not surprisingly), I have a Roman numeral system, a tally system (always a fun one), and stuff like that. What can I say? I’m a numbers guy.

Do you have an underground network to get some of those technological presents?

No, no. You would think that we would have to make use of the dark web to get some of those deals on technology, but no, it’s all locally made. The elves with their little hands, you know, they’ve gotten quite technologically advanced as the years have gone by.

How do you fit down that chimney?

Chimneys are quite spacious, actually. I don’t know if you’ve ever been down one recently, but you’d be surprised how much room there is in there. Quite deceptive.

How would you categorize the trend of naughtiness from, say, 2013 to present?

I could go all day on this one. This occupies my thoughts for most of the day and a good bit of the year, too, but I would say that a majority of kids are better now than in 2013. The millennials cause a bit of an issue, but all in all I would say that kids have been trending towards niceness.

Has global warming had a personal effect on you?

You betcha. That is a problem that’s occurring literally in my backyard, you know. We have the melting ice caps and such. I am upside down with my mortgage right now, and the resale is just madness. We are under water — no pun intended — with our loans, and it’s certainly having an impact. I am doubtful whether people really comprehend the issue at hand. I have done my best to maintain the pristine environment that I have come to enjoy so much.

Do you know all of your elves by name?

Yes, I don’t. I believe I have 714 elves, at least the last time checked, but they’re shifty — they move around a lot — so they’re kind of hard to keep track of, but I try my best.

What is your favorite part of Christmas, Mr. Claus?

I want to say all of it, but I guess my favorite part is putting on that suit Christmas Eve. Just strapping on that buckle and tightening it up — it’s electrifying. It just brings that sense of “You’re in. You’re committed and you’re ready to do this,” and that is an amazing feeling.

How do you ward off that cold North Pole chill? 

I don’t really see it as a “warding off”. I have come to embrace it, though I suspect Mrs. Claus wouldn’t mind going somewhere a little more south for the winter. I wear layers and just have a positive attitude. When I first started, I really ran with the mentality “I think therefore I am,” so I would think that I was warm and therefore I was warm, you know? I reckon those two things are the most effective ways to “ward it off,” as you would say. Oh, and a space heater. Yeah, forgot about that one.

What would you like for Christmas, Santa?

I’m a pretty quirky guy, so the stuff I’m looking for is pretty out there and specific. I’m always in the market for a left-handed hammer, some right-handed pencils. I’m pretty simple, so a slinky, a yo-yo, something of that variety. Conditioner, that’s a big one. Need a lot of conditioner to keep this beard looking presentable. I have a lot of product invested in this look, so anything to keep it looking good is always a big comfort around the holidays.

 

 

2 Comments

2 Responses to “Good Talk: Mr. Claus”

  1. Davis Creach on December 18th, 2017 9:25 pm

    For the record, Santa is totally encouraged to stay hydrated by my example of the gallon challenge. He sees me all the time after all and he knows I always finish. Gives him something to strive for;)

    [Reply]

  2. Mr. Claus on December 19th, 2017 6:32 am

    Mr. Creach.

    I’m well aware of your gallon challenge and I respect your commitment to hydrology. Perhaps this year I’ll have an elf craft me a gallon container and follow your lead. Thanks for the comment!

    Claus

    [Reply]

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