Dear Uproar,

It’s been two months, and now that I am used to the remodeled bathrooms, I am getting bored. Any ideas to spice things up?

~In Quite the Rut

Cool story, bro. But before things get wild, make sure to pack your stockings and nonslip shoes. Approach the auto-flush toilets, for this ride needs no tokens. In fact, science tells us the only thing better than binging shows on Netflix is staring at a flushing toilet. Clench your hands, listen to the fluorescent lights hum, and stare: this is self-actualization at its best.

Not enough? Bop to some spicy tunes, Death Grips works best. Feeling stimulated? Good, because your day is about to get wild. Whip out that handy cell phone of yours, and start calling random numbers scrawled on the side of the stall. When the friendly and destitute Ugandan prince answers, ask for his name, then Venmo him all of your savings.

Just don’t forget to wash your hands — getting sick is no fun.