Good Talk: Mr. Claus

Miller Orris, Staff Writer

Do you prefer homemade cookies to store-bought ones? 

You’d think homemade—you really would. But here’s the thing… homemade is a gamble; you got undercooked, overcooked, and everything in between. The inconsistency is maddening. I’m also gonna tell you, folks give me the ones they don’t like. I’m getting the castaways, y’know. Store-bought, and I’m not a commercial-type guy, but store-bought has that consistency I’m looking for. I know what I’m getting. I appreciate the homemade… but store-bought is where I am now in my life.

How are the working conditions within your workshop? We’ve heard reports that the elves may be organizing a strike.

I hear this rumor every year. The elves aren’t happy. The shop isn’t safe. Wages are too low. Too many blah blah blah. Every year. That’s simply not true. Elves are happy by their very nature; it’s hard to ever find an unhappy elf no matter what their station in life. The shop? Unsafe? Yeah, I got a few elves missing digits from a wonky saw blade on the table saw… had a pretty nasty injury in the tech department… but that’s the risk you run in working this kind of schedule. Finally, I can’t disclose wages, but I pay them plenty. No strike this year. It’s just not happening.

How’s your relationship with Mrs. Claus? Any strife?

Ugh, Mrs. Claus. We’re still together, right? So that tells ya something. I’d be lying if I didn’t say we had our moments of difficulty, but that’s in any relationship. She’s always like “you work one day a year— one day!” and that’s supposed to make me feel guilty or something. Look, and I tell her this, “I don’t see anyone else trying this. I don’t see anyone else, no start-up, no nothing— just me.” Like, if it’s so easy, why am I the ONLY one doing it? But yeah, Mrs. Claus and I are fine. We got a trip planned to South Dakota to get a little sunshine and a warmer climate. Might renew our vows this year while we’re there.

Being in the North Pole and all, does your bathroom have heated floors?


What’s the top speed on that sleigh of yours?

I’m still sticking with the original model, so I’m working with old technology, but it’s what I know, what I trust. Top speed is 198 mph— and that’s got the reins shaking and the wood clattering around me. I’m pushing it pretty hard at the end, around dawn, but it holds steady. End of the night I just park it in the shop— they get right to work on tightening it all back up and getting it tuned for next season. 198. Full throttle. Tokyo drift. I’m bussin’.

What’s the most overrated Christmas song?

Oddly enough— Santa Claus is Coming to Town. I have to admit. Overplayed. The one about the mother who kisses Santa Claus, whatever that one is, is also oddly off-putting. Never cared for that one.

Do you have just one red suit? Or do you rotate between a few? 

I’m at one right now. I used to have a few, but sadly I’m down to one. I know that sounds kinda disgusting— but that’s only because it is. One suit, all year. That’s my life. I’m sure you might think I’m in joggers and an ill-fitting t-shirt on my days off, but no— it’s one suit all day every day. I have an appearance to keep up. It gets a little odiferous come mid-July.

Is the coal for bad children sourced ethically?

Yes. And by that I mean no.